October 8, 1999 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

speakout

Timing, courage and patience are central to coming out

by John O'Connor

Once upon a time, I sat in the office of a Freudian analyst, spilling my guts about my sexual confusion. He cleaned his nails in silence. After a number of sessions of playing out this scenario, Herr Doktor spoke in an authoritative German accent.

"Mr. O'Connor, I do not believe that you are in fact a hoe-moe-sexual," he said, rounding his O's. "I believe you are attempting to claim your sense of manhood by coming at it through the back door."

I swear, I'm not making this story up. Initially, I sat dumbfounded. Only now, years later, do I enjoy the irony of his statement, "out of the mouths of homophobes." Thus began my odyssey of self-acceptance and integration. As I walked out of that that psychiatrist's office for the last time, I began the work of coming out.

Coming out can be a slow process. I believe that individuals should be their own timekeepers. Often, I think of myself as a "cactus flower," in that I didn't begin to bloom until my early thirties.

For about eight years in my twenties, I journeyed down a blind alley in response to society's expectations. Though it delayed things, I grew in other ways.

Some people enter into a heterosexual marriage. Some folks become professionally religious. Others cling to the bosom of their families. Like a kid bringing home their report card, we can stall and avoid the confrontation between our truth and the expectations of those from whom we fear rejection. Whether one is in their first or sixth decade of life, coming out with our truth involves timing, courage, and patience with ourselves.

An individual in their teens needs mature guidance and support in their identity, inte-

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gration and socialization with age peers. For the older person, coming out can reopen the emotional confusion of adolescence.

Many questions can arise: Who am I? How should I act? Where can you meet people besides in the bars? Am I attractive enough? What is dating? When should we have "safer" sex? Why is everyone so fickle? Why am I so fickle? Do these pants make me look heavier?

Through all of this, a mature person needs reassurance that they are not are not "going crazy." They need reminding that they do not have an adult self that has learned a lot about life.

Coming out to the straight people we know, specifically family, can be a major turning point of health in our lives. But, let's face it, the fears we have carried for so long have some reality base. It's important to remind ourselves that there is a difference between possibility and probability when imagining what might happen.

There are a few things that can really help you prepare for this step. First, it's a good idea to have someone you can trust, with whom to talk out your feelings and plans. This person should be a trusted and sympathetic friend, a relative, a liberal clergyperson, or a therapist. Just remember to listen to your gut! If vibes you get back are bad, then walk and knock on someone else's door.

Plan your coming out in steps that you feel you can handle. You don't have to come out to everybody and all at once-especially over the Thanksgiving turkey. Some folks, like your plumber or your postal carrier, don't need to know, unless you see a twinkle in their eyes.

Being out at work or school, at least with your class associates, can help reduce the stress of pronoun conversion when you talk

about your personal life (he to she and vice versa). So, take the time to scope out the setting and the friends involved. This will tell you where, and where not, to risk a disclo-

sure.

Some reading can help your learning curve, and provide helpful resources to offer those having questions. Many good books stores now have a gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender section.

Finally, try to develop a couple of GLBT friends in the community to have some peers for support. The directory in the back of this newspaper is an invaluable resource of many organizations, activities, groups, and places where you can meet others. I wish it had been available back in the early 1970s.

Last but not least, how does one deal with rejection? I will not say that it is easy, but most of us experience it to one degree or another. A family's response can run the gamut from an open embracing to outright rejection. Most of us who have come out have experienced a reaction somewhere between those two extremes.

Often a family knows something is up on an unconscious level. We have to remember that, like ourselves, they must emerge from their cloud of unknowing gradually. Therefore, their initial response may change over the course of time.

P-FLAG is a good resource to offer them, when and if they are ready. I remember telling my own mother and being puzzled at her surprise. I couldn't help but think, “Ma, I started collecting Royal Dalton china when I was eight years old! Da?" Be aware that families may go through a second phase of struggling with the issues when you first ask to bring your lover/spouses home to meet them. In conclusion, I'd like to borrow a saluta-

tion from a woman that I admire, Miss Man-

ners:

Gentle Reader,

Whatever the outcome of your process of growth toward wholeness as a human being, no one can take away your courage and integrity once they have evolved.

The goal of coming out is to transfer as much of the tension about your diversity from within yourself to your interaction with others. This can cleanse you of internalized oppression and free you up to get on with your life.

Some relationships may well drop away and you will feel loss. Keep in mind, these folks will have to bear the consequences of losing a great person like you. Other relationships will come your way, bringing the joy of being loved unconditionally as a whole per-

son.

Love yourself, so you can be able to love others. Work against any homophobic cynicism within yourself and within our community that says we can't build long, happily committed relationships with those we love. It's a lie!

My final thought is that the best relationships are between two people who are not fighting with themselves internally. Do not look to a relationship to be the only place your work at self-acceptance and coming out. It may stunt your growth and put too much pressure on the relationship.

When you are ready, come on out. The water is fine.

John O'Connor, LISW, ASCW is a therapist in private practice with D.L. Dunkle and Associates. He sees clients in Cleveland Heights and Oberlin, Ohio.

someone please tell me when it became ac-

letters tothe editor ceptable to pass out sexual lubricants at a

Continued from facing page We don't all drink beer

To the Editors:

This letter is written in follow up to the letter written by Jerry Szoka in the September 24 Gay People's Chronicle. I must say I really have to agree with Mr. Szoka on many points outlined in his letter discussing the NOCI picnic.

On the topic of the lack of access of availability toward the purchase of advance sale tickets, especially at establishments where one would think one would be able to

purchase said tickets, i.e., some of our Cleveland gay bars, I guess should have learned my lesson when I tried to purchase an advance ticket for Dancin' in the Streets. This is an event I believed was supposedly being held to benefit the Cleveland gay community. I had gone to one of the major gay bars to purchase an advance ticket for the event, but was informed by the door man that, although they were a gay bar, and even one of the larger ones in Cleveland, they were not issued any advance tickets. Figure.

I would also like to hit on the topic of nonalcoholic beverages, or should I say lack of non-alcoholic beverages being provided at the NOCI picnic. News flash! Not all of us in the gay community drink alcohol, or even care to drink alcohol. And in being a mostly non-drinker, I know if, after paying $25 for an event, since I couldn't find any advance sale tickets, I know I would be very upset if I couldn't even get a non-flat pop.

And it was also stated that there seemed to be some concern expressed that in the mugs provided by the wonderful coordinators of this year's NOCI picnic that condoms were not provided along with the free lube placed

in the cups.

I know I'll probably be I the minority on this one, too, but being African-American, I'm used to being the minority, but would

public, outdoor community picnic? And then to express that the only problem with this give away was that free condoms were not also provided?

We see to want to perpetuate to the pre-

dominant straight ruling majority that we are not all just about money, and hey, we are also not all just about sex, but it still seems even today, when it comes to the reality on these topics in relation to our community, there still seems to persist some very distorted views.

Name withheld by request Sandusky, Ohio

Disappointed in picnic

DIVAS

community

DYKES DANCE and costume

party benefit

DUDES SATURDAY OCTOBER 16th; 7pm

Cleveland Public Theatre

DIVAS 6409 Detroit Avenue

DYKES

DUDES

DIVAS

DYKES

Regarding the NOCI picnic held SeptemDUDES

ber 12 at Wildwood Park: I am very disappointed in the picnic this year. I feel that the money that the tickets cost was ridiculous in the fact that there was no dance music hall until 3:30 pm. The event was totally a disgrace to the community of Cleveland, and the other communities that came to support it as well.

I feel that the NOCI could have put a little more effort into organizing the event and the drag show that was separate from the rest of the event. This needs to be together in the main hall, with all events together. I feel that the gay community should think twice before supporting any events that NOCI puts on. I also feel that other cities charge less for tickets, and more is included such as food and drinks.

I think that, being a native of Pittsburgh, NOCI should see how we run our Memorial Day and Labor Day picnics and take some advice. This I have to say-being that I have lived only three years in Cleveland has to be the worst event I have attended, and it's really humiliating to the gay community. NOCI, get it together.

James Miller Cleveland

Tickets $19.99

includes snacks, soft drinks and costume, Contest (beer avaliable for purchase)

Benefits the

Lesblan/Gay Community

Service Center.

Call (216)522

DUDES 1999 or vist The

Center ONLINE

DIVAS www.lgcsc.org

7pm 8:30pm RAINBOW WRANGLERS TWIGGY'S ALL STAR REVIEW 8:30 pmDJ DEB SHARP 10pm 10pm-1am

COSTUME CONTEST: Prizes for best costume in these categories: ~20's flapper femme! ~50's poodle skirt primadonna or pompadour pal! ~60's hippie chick/biker butch! ~70's classic castro clone! ~& futuristic fantasy frock!